homeWORK

Word is, we Americans are behind other countries as a nation, progressively, technologically,  academically, economically – let's toss in spiritually while we are here. One might even suggest that we lack what was once a powerful, albeit somewhat ignorant pride, an ironclad morale and really an energy to PRODUCE.  That's right! I have absolutely no hard facts, but I have heard it again and again for quite a few years now. The message is that WE ARE WEAK, which is why we must do homework starting at the age of four and with increasingly more time per night with each grade.

I consider the image of a Chinese classroom with little uniformed soldier children standing as the teacher enters the room and greeting her with a round of identical words, then collectively sitting and folding their hands in unison in front of them. Their materials are already out.  They don't use backpacks; they balance all of it on their heads.

Gosh, those Chinese teachers have it made, don't they?

I cringe a tiny bit when I speculate that one small Chinese child might go home in tears today, since his Chinese teacher has found him to be insufficient in his progress with grammar. Perhaps he will not be returning at all?

Just how do they get those kids to be so well-behaved?

I imagine the Chinese child marches along the Great Wall for several miles in the snow with bare legs, (his uniform requires shorts to save money on material) and attends class without a break for a solid 9 hours, then after he feeds the chickens at home, along the Yangtze river, he must dutifully and silently complete his day with a solid 4 hours of homework, then off to bed. The parents allow a tepid but consistent head nod as an alternative for the bedtime rituals we know. There are no siblings to cause any disturbance, so that's good.

And that is how it's done in China – in my imagination – since we are the weak ones and they are threatening our very near future with superior work ethic and militant adherence to the Privilege of Learning.

This scenario is how I justify the minimum of 100 hours of English homework I'm going to demand of your child this year. Well, some of them will do more since they are not as bright, and some will do less since they are indifferent and slightly suicidal, but most will do their best and wonder how they will complete the 100 hours from the other subjects, causing them to tend only to the less merciful teachers and praying the more flexible ones will not punish them too severely.

I don't have a ton of choice here. Our PLC team listed the ELOs and LTs that must be completed, thus the year is now packed with solid in-class instruction, some structured brain activity, troubleshooting Q and A time, and a whole lotta' subversive texting.

I've been told that if I thought it was a good idea to spend time on anything outside of the Minnesota State Standards, I will have to leave it out now in order to make time for the listed curriculum.

I guess I could leave out the part where we get to know each other.

I suppose the love of the language is just fluff.

 Understanding word origins and the beauty of poetry doesn't seem all that relevant when it is clear kids are absolutely unsure of why apostrophes still exist. Theatrics, a once a celebrated method of studying literature, might be better served with a cold bowl of serious, robotic reading. I don't have time to teach them to enjoy it. This isn't about enjoying learning. This is about a global face off, and there are a lot of books to get through if your child wants to be ready for Harvard.

If they aren't ready, well, perhaps the NFL, or American Idol.

If I video tape what I do, they could put it on reality television, like the new one on working with cement, so my plan is to start a reality television classroom. I could make a killing! But then, what happens in my classroom couldn't stay in my classroom any more. Hmmmmm.

I guess we're doomed.